Ben Stein to play Zaccheus in controversial adaptation

from today's Variety
(by Michael Phlegming)
...the dead-pan actor famous for his role in the hit comedy Ferris Bueller's Day Off as well as unforgettable cameos in TV classics such as Melrose Place and MacGyver is not put off by the script's call for the actor playing the short tax collector to strap his lower legs in braces and, in essence, spend the entire film walking on his knees.

A similar feat was accomplished by his screen hero Jose Ferrer in the original version of director John Huston's Moulin Rouge in 1952.
"They'll have special shoes for me," Stein enthused. "I feel this is a major break-through role for me, especially coming off Expelled, which, let's face it, wasn't the mega-blockbuster I was led to believe it would be."

The comedian paused to take a swig from his diet-iced tea. "To get in shape for the role I've been swimming a few extra laps in my pool without the body board. Mike Bay [the director] says I really need to have a fairly buffed upper body. I mean, he wants to make a statement right there."

excerpt from People Magazine

...we managed to sit down with noted New Testament scholar Elaine Pagels to ask her about Dr. Farquhar's latest contention that the Zaccheus Gospel gives the first credible evidence that Jesus of Nazareth was, in fact, under 1.2 meters tall--and that the real reasons for his arrest, trial and crucifixion were motivated by nothing less than bigotry against short people.

Does this Gospel of Zaccheus reveal something new about early Christianity?

Yes, the Gospel of Zaccheus really has been a shock. For one thing, there's no other text that suggests that Jesus of Nazareth himself was a midget--excuse me, a short person. Or still further that Zaccheus the Tax Collector was an intimate, trusted disciple, one to whom Jesus revealed the secrets of the kingdom, and that conversely, the other disciples--just lumbering pituitary cases by comparison-- were misunderstanding what he meant by the gospel. So that's quite eye-opening.

What about the contention that Jesus was crucified to save midg--I mean, short people?

Absolutely. It has to be given serious consideration. Look at the marvelous bits Drs. Farquhar and Pleebus have given us so far: "Blessed are the poor in hormones, for theirs is the Kingdom of God."

Indeed. Truly inspiring...

And that's just for starters.

And the bigotry aspect? Some scholars have reacted quite harshly to Dr. Farquhar's contention that the High Priest Caiaphas was filled with an insatiable hatred of all things short and dainty.

I can accept the very real possibility of Jesus' diminutive stature. However, I think it's a little premature to assume his execution was purely based on bigotry.

Just a little?

Yes. For example, it's clear from internal evidence that the high priest Caiphas walked on stilts, cleverly hidden beneath his robes.

Wouldn't that rather be taken as evidence to confirm Dr. Farquhar's thesis?

Only if you assume Caiaphas hated himself for being short. It's quite possible to argue, and French Philosopher Gilles Deleuze does quite eloquently in his latest book The Doughnuts of Difference, that the very hidden-ness of the stilts inside Caiaphas' skirts testifies in fact to his true humanity.

Um...I thought Deleuze died in 1995...

Oh, sorry! I meant Gilles Defreeze....

It wasn't Caiaphas who condemned Jesus then?

No, its quite clear now that Pontius Pilate, whom the Zaccheus Gospel describes as almost 2.5 meters tall, is the real culprit here...

excerpt from the blog of a third-year master's-in-divinity student...

I was surfing the Web this morning at Starbucks, waiting for my Venti mocha-choca latte yah-yah, with extra yah-yah, and I came across the website for Abbreviated Theological Seminary (accreditation pending). Published on its homepage, adjacent to ads for NARAL and the new Sex in the City film, was the following press release:

It has seemed good to the board of regents, as well as an impromptu meeting of the supplemental gimcrack committee to address distressing stuff, to suspend from his teaching faculties as associate professor of New Testament the Reverend Doctor Harold Markum Jr., B.A., M.Div., Th.D., who most recently and with malice aforethought (and most probably 20/20 hindsight) declared that he was “skeptical” regarding the authenticity of the recently discovered Gospel of Zacchaeus.

That a faculty member should publicly express “skepticism” smacks of a hyper-orthodoxy that a vaunted mainline institution such as the one we serve will not tolerate. We at Abbreviated Theological Seminary (accreditation pending) remain dedicated to diversity and inclusion, which is possible only by eliminating those who disagree with the consensus opinion of the hierarchy, as befits any academic environment that prizes democracy and open inquiry.

We also demand that the Reverend Doctor Harold Markum Jr., B.A., M.Div., Th.D., return the blow-up doll that graced Dining Hall. “Grace” was a gift from Bishop Spong and thus remains a prized possession. The personal “disgust” that the Reverend Doctor frequently expressed is just one more factor in his dismissal, as it bespeaks a puritanical anti-sex attitude that we have sought to eradicate, even to the point of intra-faculty epidermal chafing.

It is flabbergasting-making to learn that someone could possibly question the authenticity of the Gospel of Zaccheus, when it’s so clearly signed by the author himself and countersigned by a notary. Absolutely mindblowing-making.

from today's New York Times...

As has already been reported, the newly discovered Gospel of Zaccheus threatens to shake the foundations of the world’s most popular religion, or at least seriously upset its baseboard heating. Written in an obscure ancient language thought to be a cousin of Aramaic, a second-cousin of Ugaritic, and a grand-niece once removed from Akkadian, this long-lost testimony of a follower of Jesus may finally put to rest controversies that have swirled around the charismatic carpenter for two millennia, which is, like, a really long time.

Was he the messiah? Was he divine? Did he believe he was starting a new religion? Why did they cancel Mr. Belvedere? Scholars, historians, theologians, and Phil, a manufacturer of plasticine Christmas decorations, hope to learn the answers from this extremely dusty parchment found in Egypt.

I spoke recently with Dr. Allen Mime, curator of the Ontario Zamboni Museum and author of Carmine Testes: Male Aviatrix, about why people should still go to church now that Christianity is about to be finally disproved and gas costs have skyrocketed.

Dr. Mime: I was told there’d be cheese. You know, crackers, snacks. A little something. You have a guest, you put something out, like a person. Instead I’m handed a 7-Up and a Handi-Wipe. I could have done Larry or Regis—talk about some nice munchies. The last time I walked home with two pockets full of finger sandwiches and an oat bran muffin you could choke Osama Bin Laden with.
Dr. Mime, is it true that the back of the Gospel of Zaccheus has an actual portrait of John the Baptist sitting in a Buick Riviera?
Dr. Mime: I don’t know from cars.
What do you think is the most controversial of the verses translated so far from the Gospel of Zacchaeus?
Dr. Mime: “He who eats meat, kills life, but he who chews soy, is in for some big gas.” Wait, that may have been from the radio. Yes, yes, I know: “Man shares in divinity yet receives no dividends until that day in April when the last farthing must be paid, or at least emailed using a nice piece of software.”
Do you think that Christians, fearing their religion will be discredited, will resort to violence to suppress this latest discovery?
Dr. Mime: You can’t fear the Methodists enough, in my opinion. Bunch of hotheads and troublemakers.
Dr. Mime, thank you.

from the Research Log of Team B (Dr. BF)

addendum:
Professor Bosco Farquhar now believes the accurate translation of lines 33 through 34b should be rendered: "you strain at a gnat, and swallow a (foot)stool."

from the Research Log of Team A (Dr. EP)

Day 14...
Dr. Elwood Pleebus now confirms that lines 55a through 57b can be reasonably translated as, "Blessed are those who have to climb trees to see anything, for it's a pain in the [untranslatable]...