Was he the messiah? Was he divine? Did he believe he was starting a new religion? Why did they cancel Mr. Belvedere? Scholars, historians, theologians, and Phil, a manufacturer of plasticine Christmas decorations, hope to learn the answers from this extremely dusty parchment found in Egypt.
I spoke recently with Dr. Allen Mime, curator of the Ontario Zamboni Museum and author of Carmine Testes: Male Aviatrix, about why people should still go to church now that Christianity is about to be finally disproved and gas costs have skyrocketed.
Dr. Mime: I was told there’d be cheese. You know, crackers, snacks. A little something. You have a guest, you put something out, like a person. Instead I’m handed a 7-Up and a Handi-Wipe. I could have done Larry or Regis—talk about some nice munchies. The last time I walked home with two pockets full of finger sandwiches and an oat bran muffin you could choke Osama Bin Laden with.
Dr. Mime, is it true that the back of the Gospel of Zaccheus has an actual portrait of John the Baptist sitting in a Buick Riviera?
Dr. Mime: I don’t know from cars.
What do you think is the most controversial of the verses translated so far from the Gospel of Zacchaeus?
Dr. Mime: “He who eats meat, kills life, but he who chews soy, is in for some big gas.” Wait, that may have been from the radio. Yes, yes, I know: “Man shares in divinity yet receives no dividends until that day in April when the last farthing must be paid, or at least emailed using a nice piece of software.”
Do you think that Christians, fearing their religion will be discredited, will resort to violence to suppress this latest discovery?
Dr. Mime: You can’t fear the Methodists enough, in my opinion. Bunch of hotheads and troublemakers.
Dr. Mime, thank you.
