I was surfing the Web this morning at Starbucks, waiting for my Venti mocha-choca latte yah-yah, with extra yah-yah, and I came across the website for Abbreviated Theological Seminary (accreditation pending). Published on its homepage, adjacent to ads for NARAL and the new Sex in the City film, was the following press release:
It has seemed good to the board of regents, as well as an impromptu meeting of the supplemental gimcrack committee to address distressing stuff, to suspend from his teaching faculties as associate professor of New Testament the Reverend Doctor Harold Markum Jr., B.A., M.Div., Th.D., who most recently and with malice aforethought (and most probably 20/20 hindsight) declared that he was “skeptical” regarding the authenticity of the recently discovered Gospel of Zacchaeus.
That a faculty member should publicly express “skepticism” smacks of a hyper-orthodoxy that a vaunted mainline institution such as the one we serve will not tolerate. We at Abbreviated Theological Seminary (accreditation pending) remain dedicated to diversity and inclusion, which is possible only by eliminating those who disagree with the consensus opinion of the hierarchy, as befits any academic environment that prizes democracy and open inquiry.
We also demand that the Reverend Doctor Harold Markum Jr., B.A., M.Div., Th.D., return the blow-up doll that graced Dining Hall. “Grace” was a gift from Bishop Spong and thus remains a prized possession. The personal “disgust” that the Reverend Doctor frequently expressed is just one more factor in his dismissal, as it bespeaks a puritanical anti-sex attitude that we have sought to eradicate, even to the point of intra-faculty epidermal chafing.
It is flabbergasting-making to learn that someone could possibly question the authenticity of the Gospel of Zaccheus, when it’s so clearly signed by the author himself and countersigned by a notary. Absolutely mindblowing-making.
