Ben Stein to play Zaccheus in controversial adaptation

from today's Variety
(by Michael Phlegming)
...the dead-pan actor famous for his role in the hit comedy Ferris Bueller's Day Off as well as unforgettable cameos in TV classics such as Melrose Place and MacGyver is not put off by the script's call for the actor playing the short tax collector to strap his lower legs in braces and, in essence, spend the entire film walking on his knees.

A similar feat was accomplished by his screen hero Jose Ferrer in the original version of director John Huston's Moulin Rouge in 1952.
"They'll have special shoes for me," Stein enthused. "I feel this is a major break-through role for me, especially coming off Expelled, which, let's face it, wasn't the mega-blockbuster I was led to believe it would be."

The comedian paused to take a swig from his diet-iced tea. "To get in shape for the role I've been swimming a few extra laps in my pool without the body board. Mike Bay [the director] says I really need to have a fairly buffed upper body. I mean, he wants to make a statement right there."

excerpt from People Magazine

...we managed to sit down with noted New Testament scholar Elaine Pagels to ask her about Dr. Farquhar's latest contention that the Zaccheus Gospel gives the first credible evidence that Jesus of Nazareth was, in fact, under 1.2 meters tall--and that the real reasons for his arrest, trial and crucifixion were motivated by nothing less than bigotry against short people.

Does this Gospel of Zaccheus reveal something new about early Christianity?

Yes, the Gospel of Zaccheus really has been a shock. For one thing, there's no other text that suggests that Jesus of Nazareth himself was a midget--excuse me, a short person. Or still further that Zaccheus the Tax Collector was an intimate, trusted disciple, one to whom Jesus revealed the secrets of the kingdom, and that conversely, the other disciples--just lumbering pituitary cases by comparison-- were misunderstanding what he meant by the gospel. So that's quite eye-opening.

What about the contention that Jesus was crucified to save midg--I mean, short people?

Absolutely. It has to be given serious consideration. Look at the marvelous bits Drs. Farquhar and Pleebus have given us so far: "Blessed are the poor in hormones, for theirs is the Kingdom of God."

Indeed. Truly inspiring...

And that's just for starters.

And the bigotry aspect? Some scholars have reacted quite harshly to Dr. Farquhar's contention that the High Priest Caiaphas was filled with an insatiable hatred of all things short and dainty.

I can accept the very real possibility of Jesus' diminutive stature. However, I think it's a little premature to assume his execution was purely based on bigotry.

Just a little?

Yes. For example, it's clear from internal evidence that the high priest Caiphas walked on stilts, cleverly hidden beneath his robes.

Wouldn't that rather be taken as evidence to confirm Dr. Farquhar's thesis?

Only if you assume Caiaphas hated himself for being short. It's quite possible to argue, and French Philosopher Gilles Deleuze does quite eloquently in his latest book The Doughnuts of Difference, that the very hidden-ness of the stilts inside Caiaphas' skirts testifies in fact to his true humanity.

Um...I thought Deleuze died in 1995...

Oh, sorry! I meant Gilles Defreeze....

It wasn't Caiaphas who condemned Jesus then?

No, its quite clear now that Pontius Pilate, whom the Zaccheus Gospel describes as almost 2.5 meters tall, is the real culprit here...

excerpt from the blog of a third-year master's-in-divinity student...

I was surfing the Web this morning at Starbucks, waiting for my Venti mocha-choca latte yah-yah, with extra yah-yah, and I came across the website for Abbreviated Theological Seminary (accreditation pending). Published on its homepage, adjacent to ads for NARAL and the new Sex in the City film, was the following press release:

It has seemed good to the board of regents, as well as an impromptu meeting of the supplemental gimcrack committee to address distressing stuff, to suspend from his teaching faculties as associate professor of New Testament the Reverend Doctor Harold Markum Jr., B.A., M.Div., Th.D., who most recently and with malice aforethought (and most probably 20/20 hindsight) declared that he was “skeptical” regarding the authenticity of the recently discovered Gospel of Zacchaeus.

That a faculty member should publicly express “skepticism” smacks of a hyper-orthodoxy that a vaunted mainline institution such as the one we serve will not tolerate. We at Abbreviated Theological Seminary (accreditation pending) remain dedicated to diversity and inclusion, which is possible only by eliminating those who disagree with the consensus opinion of the hierarchy, as befits any academic environment that prizes democracy and open inquiry.

We also demand that the Reverend Doctor Harold Markum Jr., B.A., M.Div., Th.D., return the blow-up doll that graced Dining Hall. “Grace” was a gift from Bishop Spong and thus remains a prized possession. The personal “disgust” that the Reverend Doctor frequently expressed is just one more factor in his dismissal, as it bespeaks a puritanical anti-sex attitude that we have sought to eradicate, even to the point of intra-faculty epidermal chafing.

It is flabbergasting-making to learn that someone could possibly question the authenticity of the Gospel of Zaccheus, when it’s so clearly signed by the author himself and countersigned by a notary. Absolutely mindblowing-making.